Khari slumped onto the bench in the mess hall, plate piled high mostly with lean meats and very dark green vegetables. Sprouts, mostly, and some spinach, all cooked in butter and spice, from the smell of them. She'd also nicked a thick slice of bread from the loaf and loaded it with jam, but this soon after wearing herself down, she needed the rest of it more.
Everything hurt, at the moment, even some muscles she was pretty sure she hadn't really known about before. Running around all day, pushing herself through pull-ups and one-armed push-ups and interval sprints and whatever else she could think of was much, much harder when she did it in a layer of plate thick enough to make her feel like a tortoise in a shell. But she couldn't complain about the results. Nor did she complain about the training, except when giving Michäel a hard time, like now.
“You know, Mick, if you wanted to kill me, you could have just done it quick like a normal person." She sighed theatrically and stretched her legs under the table. The wince, unfortunately, was real. It was a good kind of burn, but damn if it wasn't still a burn. Stabbing a fork into her spinach, she set about the business of eating with all the seriousness of another drill.
He let a hearty laugh go at that. "Oh but ma chère, where is the fun in that?" His own plate was piled as high as hers, which only made sense because the man towered over her.
She stuck her tongue out at him, grumbling under her breath, but didn't bother to disguise the slight uptick to one side of her mouth.
From her side approached a figure, soon recognizable as Rom. He wasn't in armor and had his hood down, and when he came near enough, there was still a faint glimmer of sweat on his brow. He'd probably been training himself, with that near-endless workout he seemed to do in the undercroft every time she stopped by. He wasn't visibly armed, the only thing unusual being the small satchel he carried strapped over one shoulder.
"Hey," he greeted, pulling up short of their table and glancing at Michäel, whom he offered a quick nod to as well. "Ser." He looked back to Khari. "Do you have a few minutes, Khari? I... wanted to talk about something." He glanced between them, uncertain. "I could come back later, if that works better."
Khari glanced down at her plate, by this point half empty, then over at Mick, then shrugged. “Actually, your timing's pretty good. I've got a few hours to myself before this one starts beating on me again." She hooked a thumb in the chevalier's general direction. “I'll see you in a bit, Mick."
Michäel grinned, "Remember, we are working on the spear-fisher when you get back."
With a nod, the dignity of which was completely ruined by the fact that she leaned over to pick up another slice of bread, she excused herself from the table and stood, tilting her head at Rom. “We heading to yours, or somewhere else?"
"Not mine," he answered quickly. "Uh. Follow me." Though his words were uncertain, he seemed to know where he was going. It had the telltale signs of something rehearsed, and then not coming out as planned upon attempting it. He didn't comment on much, though, as he led her up the main stairs to the Keep, and then through a door on their left shortly after they entered the great hall. More stairs followed, and Rom opened the first door on their right, leading them out onto balcony overlooking the gardens.
They weren't heavily populated at all of late, as they were still escaping from the grip of winter, but this particular day wasn't so bad, and being outside wasn't very uncomfortable, especially in the Keep where an extra layer of walls offered yet more protection from the occasional winds. Rom headed over to a bench down the balcony on their left. Notably, it had been cleared of any lingering snow or debris.
"I got something for you," he said, opening the satchel he carried, and pulling out two well-sized wrapped sandwiches. "The kitchens don't use most of their best ingredients unless you ask them to. Which I did. Uh, it should still have most of the stuff you're supposed to be having for your regimen or training or whatever. It'll just... taste better. I hope. There might be a few extra things on it." He sat down on the bench, offering one of the sandwiches to her. "If you don't want it, I think it'll keep for a little while. You could have it later."
Khari sank down next to him, pulling her legs up under her. She accepted the sandwich with a huff and a grin. “Something about this seems vaguely familiar." It wasn't like she'd eaten past the point of fullness already—Mick would probably be glad she'd supplemented, since she'd left lunch early. Also, extra things sounded really good right now. Plus the bread seemed to still be warm, which was basically amazing. She unwrapped it carefully, taking the first bite before she spoke.
He was right about it tasting better, for sure. She swallowed, then arched an eyebrow at him. “So... are you okay?" Normally, there wasn't this much effort involved in spending time with each other. She just... periodically dropped by the undercroft and hung around while he did whatever he felt like doing. Sometimes they practiced grappling or talked to each other. Other times, she read the book Stel had given her while he did something else completely, and they kind of just... existed in the same place.
Rom finished chewing through his own first bite. "In a lot of ways... yeah." He sounded surprised to be admitting it, considering all that had happened to him before they returned to Skyhold. "I mean, I nearly blew my own arm off the other day trying to figure out how to make a more stable rift, but... that's hardly new, right?" He took another bite, making a small mm sound shortly after he did. "This is actually really good."
Khari laughed. Maybe not the politest reaction to have, but he was obviously okay, so why not? “So that didn't work out so well, then?" She supposed he could have succeeded even if the first attempt failed pretty spectacularly, but it wasn't like she knew anything about the marks. They seemed kind of like a pain, in all honesty. “Guess it doesn't matter much, if you're using it to bust people up, though, right?"
"I'd like to find other uses for it. It seems like it must do other things, but I have no idea how." His eyes fell to the stonework beneath them for a moment. "Estella's already used it for other things. She saved us all from falling to our deaths into the Deep Roads. She... teleported, or something, during our fight against the Nightmare demon. Vesryn would've died if she hadn't done that." He sounded a bit in awe of her accomplishments, actually, which was quite possibly a first for him when it came to Stel. Although it was hard to tell if he was more absorbed by what she had done, or if he was just circling in on himself for what he hadn't done.
"I'm sorry I haven't told you about what happened to us at Adamant. It took me a while to work through, to figure out how I felt about all of it." He glanced sideways at her. "Has anyone else told you much yet?"
Khari wasn't really sure what to make of the first part. She'd always thought Stel was pretty amazing, but she knew she wasn't really of the majority opinion on that. And she'd never really thought to compare that against anyone or anything else. There didn't seem to be much point to that kind of thing in general, as far as she could tell, except to make people feel worse about themselves, which was something she definitely didn't want. The second part, though, was easy enough.
“Not really." She'd gotten the Fade segment of the explanation from Stel, but the details were mostly above her pay grade, she'd figured. Kind of like the time magic stuff. “You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, though."
"I doubt most of it would mean much to you," Rom admitted. "But I want to talk about some of it, and one other thing. When we fell through the rift Estella made, we ended up separated from each other. We managed to find each other in pairs. I found Cyrus, or rather, a terror demon took me to him when I grabbed it and held on." He took another bite of the sandwich, probably eager to get through most of it before it got too cold, which wouldn't be all that long.
"The demon there tried to mess with our minds in different ways, unnerve us. The Fade could change around us to show us what it wanted us to see. I don't know what all the others went through, but both Stel and Vesryn looked like they'd been through a lot. The elf in particular. Cyrus and I went through the old orphanage, the one we were both placed in as kids in Minrathous." He met her eyes, maybe checking to see if there was any surprise there. "He didn't remember me until I told him I knew the place as well. I was sold into slavery from there when I was nine, and he discovered his magic at six, not long after I was taken away."
She hadn't known those three knew each other when they were kids. Really young kids, by the sounds of it, but old enough to remember, anyhow. “Was that a bad place for you or for him?" She supposed it was possible that it had been for both of them, but from the way Rom was talking about it, it didn't seem to be what was bothering him, and she knew something had to be.
"For him, more than me." He actually smiled a bit as he thought back on it. "I was a brat back then, too stupid to fear what I didn't see coming. I shouldn't say more, I didn't ask his permission to share this. Probably don't go spreading it around. After we dealt with the demon there, some servant of the Nightmare, we stopped in a graveyard. Neither of us recognized it, so we waited there to see if the others would find us."
He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "The Nightmare toyed with us more there. The tombstones had our names on them, every one that I checked at least. Just our names, and a word or a few below that. What killed us, I suppose, or what we feared would. Mine just said 'became a monster.' A theme the demon tried to take with me. I don't think it could do any worse than I can, though." He glanced back over his shoulder at her.
"Yours said 'obscurity.' And your full name, too, it barely fit."
Khari scrunched her nose. In one sense, she was rather glad she hadn't gone on any of the more... magical adventures the Inquisition had needed to deal with. It sounded very shitty, and she was kind of pissed that the Nightmare or whatever had managed to pull her into it in some form, anyway. Mostly she wished she'd been there, but that was for unrelated reasons. “Ugh. Demons are stupid." She took a bite out of her sandwich with slightly more force than necessary, which ended up depositing a few bits of pepper and cured meat onto the wrapping she'd left on her lap for just that reason.
A scowl remained plastered over her face as she chewed, but when she swallowed, she followed it up with a sigh. “S'pose that doesn't make any sense out of context, does it?" She had a hard time meeting his eyes. It wasn't something she was eager to talk about, but then... who liked discussing the things they were afraid of? “...Fucker wasn't wrong, though."
Rom took a hefty bite out of the sandwich, keeping his eyes around on Khari and waiting patiently.
She was pretty oblivious, but she was definitely not that oblivious. Khari set her sandwich down, licking a bit of dressing off her thumb before setting both hands on her knees. Since they were out on a balcony anyway, she set her eyes out on the garden view. There wasn't much to see at this time of year, but she wasn't really seeing it anyway, so it hardly mattered. “Kind of a weird way to put it, but... yeah. I'm afraid I'm gonna fail, you know? That I'm going to keep trying to do this stupidly-impossible thing for the rest of my life and then die before I've come within a mile of any recognition. That no one's gonna remember. That history's gonna swallow me the way it swallows everything the People do."
It was probably the first time in a while she'd spoken about elves as though she were one of them, in any more than a basic, cursory sense. Almost certainly the first time she'd done so in front of anyone here. “But I can't do anything else. I'm shit at pretty much everything I try, except fighting. Sometimes it's the only thing that makes sense." Khari knew she wasn't stupid. She could read really well, and figures were pretty easy for her, and she played a mean game of chess. But when it came to actual skills, things you could build a life around, this was it for her. Sick as it might be, she felt more like herself when she fought than at basically any other time.
“If I can't make my mark with this, then I can't make it at all. And that's not... that's just not an option for me."
Rom swallowed, having set his own lunch down shortly after she started speaking. He'd been a bit relaxed before, a refreshing change of pace for how he had seemed lately, but now he slipped right back into that, frowning and appearing to struggle with something. "History probably won't care about what I think, but I'll always remember you." he said it quietly. "I suppose that doesn't really fix anything, though." He fell silent for a long moment, clearly thinking about something. He sat back, letting himself rest against the wall behind him and setting his hands somewhat tensely upon his thighs.
"Is that why you throw yourself at every challenge, then? No matter how big or how deadly?"
She shrugged. “I guess? I just feel like... if I'm gonna be good enough, I have to train with people who are better than good enough. Better than me. I can learn some tricks from almost anyone, but... I'm sure you've noticed I'm kind of small." Her smile was on the self-effacing side. It felt weird to wear it, but she did anyway. “Got some ground to make up, and all that."
The smile disappeared, and Khari shook her head. “And hey... you never know. Someday when they're writing all this shit down, they'll care what you thought. You're the Lord Inquisitor, after all. That's kind of a big deal." She'd honestly be really surprised if history didn't end up making a lot out of this whole Inquisition thing in general. “And even if it doesn't solve my problem... it's good to know. I like to think I get the 'being memorable' thing right on a personal level, at least." That time, her grin was genuine.
He smiled back a bit, but it was weak and faded quickly. "You know, despite everything that Nightmare did to us in the Fade... it was the fall from that bridge that got to me more. That was all I could think about after Estella got us out the other side. And you were there, bleeding from... dragon claws, and who knows what else." He tilted his head somewhat to the side, the memory troubling him.
"I've never really had to deal with attachments before, Khari. I could throw myself at whatever I was told to do, or whatever needed to be done here, and I never felt I needed to hold back. But it feels like it's getting more difficult." He took his eyes off the general vicinity of the garden and looked at her. "How many times have we thrown ourselves at the impossible now? We shouldn't have survived Corypheus at Haven, or a dozen times after it. I shouldn't have survived a fall into the Deep Roads, or physically walking the Fade. And you'll fight dragons and would-be gods without a second thought. I just..."
He grimaced, momentarily dropping his eyes, but he found hers again soon enough. "I don't want to lose you to any of this. And I don't want you to lose me. But I don't know what to do about it."
It wasn't an easy conundrum. Not for her, either. Khari raised a hand to the nape of her neck, slipping it under her thick curtain of hair and running callused fingers along the much softer skin there. Even she was still soft in some places, it seemed. “I dunno what to do myself." She pulled her mouth to the side, creases forming above her nose with the force of the tension in her brow. “The truth is, I've never really had that many attachments, either. I've had good reasons to avoid them, even." There was undeniably some part of her that still remembered what it was like, at least, to feel like she had a family. And maybe she knew a thing or two about having friends. But it fell far short of expertise. She'd never been as close to anyone as she was to some of the people here, Rom especially.
“When I saw the bridge collapse I thought..." She swallowed, moving her hand down to her upper arm on the other side and squeezing. It wasn't hard to sink back into that moment, really. It had been so vivid to her, like time had slowed down just to make sure every second of it was seared into her memory. A brand or stamp or something. She wasn't sure it was the kind of thing that would go away. “I don't know if I was thinking, for a minute there. But when I started again, the first thing I thought was I should have been there."
Khari tightened her grip on her arm through her sleeve, the faint pain of it grounding her in the present. Pain always did that, for her. If that was the reason battle appealed to her so much, she was even sicker than she thought. But it was a real possibility. “We're gonna fight stuff, both of us. And like it or not, one of us might—" She grit her teeth, a moment too long passing before she finished the thought. “One of us might die." That was just reality, as she'd been so forcefully reminded.
She turned slightly to meet his eyes. “But if it happens, I don't want to be somewhere else. I don't want to be thinking that I should have been there. And if this kills me, I don't care if it's a dragon or a Venatori or a demon or whatever. I wanna go because I was fighting with you. Does that... does that even make sense? I'm not sure it does." She huffed, dropping her hands back to her knees and shaking her head.
"It makes perfect sense," he said, sounding almost a little relieved. Maybe very relieved, if he was holding himself back like he often did. "I feel the same way." He paused for a moment, and then reached. Tentatively at first, but he seemed to make up his mind halfway through. He closed his fingers around the nearer of her hands. His own hand was warm. A little sweaty.
"I know I can't stop fighting. And I know I could never stop you from fighting with me. I don't want to. It's easier to fight when you're there." He exhaled slowly, seeming to force off some of the tension he was obviously feeling. "I want you to know that whatever challenge you end up taking, whether it's dragons, or becoming a chevalier, or getting the recognition I know you can earn... I'm with you." He smiled, a fragile thing that didn't find its way onto his face much. "As for the rest, we'll just... have to hope it goes our way."
Khari sighed, the sound turning almost into a laugh at the end, even if it was breathy and not at all as bombastic as it would have been ordinarily. “Yeah." She nodded. “Yeah, okay. And when you figure out just what you want out of life, make sure to tell me first. So I can be there for you, too." She squeezed his fingers just briefly. Her smile was much hardier than his, solid like it belonged on her face.
She figured it probably did.
Everything hurt, at the moment, even some muscles she was pretty sure she hadn't really known about before. Running around all day, pushing herself through pull-ups and one-armed push-ups and interval sprints and whatever else she could think of was much, much harder when she did it in a layer of plate thick enough to make her feel like a tortoise in a shell. But she couldn't complain about the results. Nor did she complain about the training, except when giving Michäel a hard time, like now.
“You know, Mick, if you wanted to kill me, you could have just done it quick like a normal person." She sighed theatrically and stretched her legs under the table. The wince, unfortunately, was real. It was a good kind of burn, but damn if it wasn't still a burn. Stabbing a fork into her spinach, she set about the business of eating with all the seriousness of another drill.
He let a hearty laugh go at that. "Oh but ma chère, where is the fun in that?" His own plate was piled as high as hers, which only made sense because the man towered over her.
She stuck her tongue out at him, grumbling under her breath, but didn't bother to disguise the slight uptick to one side of her mouth.
From her side approached a figure, soon recognizable as Rom. He wasn't in armor and had his hood down, and when he came near enough, there was still a faint glimmer of sweat on his brow. He'd probably been training himself, with that near-endless workout he seemed to do in the undercroft every time she stopped by. He wasn't visibly armed, the only thing unusual being the small satchel he carried strapped over one shoulder.
"Hey," he greeted, pulling up short of their table and glancing at Michäel, whom he offered a quick nod to as well. "Ser." He looked back to Khari. "Do you have a few minutes, Khari? I... wanted to talk about something." He glanced between them, uncertain. "I could come back later, if that works better."
Khari glanced down at her plate, by this point half empty, then over at Mick, then shrugged. “Actually, your timing's pretty good. I've got a few hours to myself before this one starts beating on me again." She hooked a thumb in the chevalier's general direction. “I'll see you in a bit, Mick."
Michäel grinned, "Remember, we are working on the spear-fisher when you get back."
With a nod, the dignity of which was completely ruined by the fact that she leaned over to pick up another slice of bread, she excused herself from the table and stood, tilting her head at Rom. “We heading to yours, or somewhere else?"
"Not mine," he answered quickly. "Uh. Follow me." Though his words were uncertain, he seemed to know where he was going. It had the telltale signs of something rehearsed, and then not coming out as planned upon attempting it. He didn't comment on much, though, as he led her up the main stairs to the Keep, and then through a door on their left shortly after they entered the great hall. More stairs followed, and Rom opened the first door on their right, leading them out onto balcony overlooking the gardens.
They weren't heavily populated at all of late, as they were still escaping from the grip of winter, but this particular day wasn't so bad, and being outside wasn't very uncomfortable, especially in the Keep where an extra layer of walls offered yet more protection from the occasional winds. Rom headed over to a bench down the balcony on their left. Notably, it had been cleared of any lingering snow or debris.
"I got something for you," he said, opening the satchel he carried, and pulling out two well-sized wrapped sandwiches. "The kitchens don't use most of their best ingredients unless you ask them to. Which I did. Uh, it should still have most of the stuff you're supposed to be having for your regimen or training or whatever. It'll just... taste better. I hope. There might be a few extra things on it." He sat down on the bench, offering one of the sandwiches to her. "If you don't want it, I think it'll keep for a little while. You could have it later."
Khari sank down next to him, pulling her legs up under her. She accepted the sandwich with a huff and a grin. “Something about this seems vaguely familiar." It wasn't like she'd eaten past the point of fullness already—Mick would probably be glad she'd supplemented, since she'd left lunch early. Also, extra things sounded really good right now. Plus the bread seemed to still be warm, which was basically amazing. She unwrapped it carefully, taking the first bite before she spoke.
He was right about it tasting better, for sure. She swallowed, then arched an eyebrow at him. “So... are you okay?" Normally, there wasn't this much effort involved in spending time with each other. She just... periodically dropped by the undercroft and hung around while he did whatever he felt like doing. Sometimes they practiced grappling or talked to each other. Other times, she read the book Stel had given her while he did something else completely, and they kind of just... existed in the same place.
Rom finished chewing through his own first bite. "In a lot of ways... yeah." He sounded surprised to be admitting it, considering all that had happened to him before they returned to Skyhold. "I mean, I nearly blew my own arm off the other day trying to figure out how to make a more stable rift, but... that's hardly new, right?" He took another bite, making a small mm sound shortly after he did. "This is actually really good."
Khari laughed. Maybe not the politest reaction to have, but he was obviously okay, so why not? “So that didn't work out so well, then?" She supposed he could have succeeded even if the first attempt failed pretty spectacularly, but it wasn't like she knew anything about the marks. They seemed kind of like a pain, in all honesty. “Guess it doesn't matter much, if you're using it to bust people up, though, right?"
"I'd like to find other uses for it. It seems like it must do other things, but I have no idea how." His eyes fell to the stonework beneath them for a moment. "Estella's already used it for other things. She saved us all from falling to our deaths into the Deep Roads. She... teleported, or something, during our fight against the Nightmare demon. Vesryn would've died if she hadn't done that." He sounded a bit in awe of her accomplishments, actually, which was quite possibly a first for him when it came to Stel. Although it was hard to tell if he was more absorbed by what she had done, or if he was just circling in on himself for what he hadn't done.
"I'm sorry I haven't told you about what happened to us at Adamant. It took me a while to work through, to figure out how I felt about all of it." He glanced sideways at her. "Has anyone else told you much yet?"
Khari wasn't really sure what to make of the first part. She'd always thought Stel was pretty amazing, but she knew she wasn't really of the majority opinion on that. And she'd never really thought to compare that against anyone or anything else. There didn't seem to be much point to that kind of thing in general, as far as she could tell, except to make people feel worse about themselves, which was something she definitely didn't want. The second part, though, was easy enough.
“Not really." She'd gotten the Fade segment of the explanation from Stel, but the details were mostly above her pay grade, she'd figured. Kind of like the time magic stuff. “You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, though."
"I doubt most of it would mean much to you," Rom admitted. "But I want to talk about some of it, and one other thing. When we fell through the rift Estella made, we ended up separated from each other. We managed to find each other in pairs. I found Cyrus, or rather, a terror demon took me to him when I grabbed it and held on." He took another bite of the sandwich, probably eager to get through most of it before it got too cold, which wouldn't be all that long.
"The demon there tried to mess with our minds in different ways, unnerve us. The Fade could change around us to show us what it wanted us to see. I don't know what all the others went through, but both Stel and Vesryn looked like they'd been through a lot. The elf in particular. Cyrus and I went through the old orphanage, the one we were both placed in as kids in Minrathous." He met her eyes, maybe checking to see if there was any surprise there. "He didn't remember me until I told him I knew the place as well. I was sold into slavery from there when I was nine, and he discovered his magic at six, not long after I was taken away."
She hadn't known those three knew each other when they were kids. Really young kids, by the sounds of it, but old enough to remember, anyhow. “Was that a bad place for you or for him?" She supposed it was possible that it had been for both of them, but from the way Rom was talking about it, it didn't seem to be what was bothering him, and she knew something had to be.
"For him, more than me." He actually smiled a bit as he thought back on it. "I was a brat back then, too stupid to fear what I didn't see coming. I shouldn't say more, I didn't ask his permission to share this. Probably don't go spreading it around. After we dealt with the demon there, some servant of the Nightmare, we stopped in a graveyard. Neither of us recognized it, so we waited there to see if the others would find us."
He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "The Nightmare toyed with us more there. The tombstones had our names on them, every one that I checked at least. Just our names, and a word or a few below that. What killed us, I suppose, or what we feared would. Mine just said 'became a monster.' A theme the demon tried to take with me. I don't think it could do any worse than I can, though." He glanced back over his shoulder at her.
"Yours said 'obscurity.' And your full name, too, it barely fit."
Khari scrunched her nose. In one sense, she was rather glad she hadn't gone on any of the more... magical adventures the Inquisition had needed to deal with. It sounded very shitty, and she was kind of pissed that the Nightmare or whatever had managed to pull her into it in some form, anyway. Mostly she wished she'd been there, but that was for unrelated reasons. “Ugh. Demons are stupid." She took a bite out of her sandwich with slightly more force than necessary, which ended up depositing a few bits of pepper and cured meat onto the wrapping she'd left on her lap for just that reason.
A scowl remained plastered over her face as she chewed, but when she swallowed, she followed it up with a sigh. “S'pose that doesn't make any sense out of context, does it?" She had a hard time meeting his eyes. It wasn't something she was eager to talk about, but then... who liked discussing the things they were afraid of? “...Fucker wasn't wrong, though."
Rom took a hefty bite out of the sandwich, keeping his eyes around on Khari and waiting patiently.
She was pretty oblivious, but she was definitely not that oblivious. Khari set her sandwich down, licking a bit of dressing off her thumb before setting both hands on her knees. Since they were out on a balcony anyway, she set her eyes out on the garden view. There wasn't much to see at this time of year, but she wasn't really seeing it anyway, so it hardly mattered. “Kind of a weird way to put it, but... yeah. I'm afraid I'm gonna fail, you know? That I'm going to keep trying to do this stupidly-impossible thing for the rest of my life and then die before I've come within a mile of any recognition. That no one's gonna remember. That history's gonna swallow me the way it swallows everything the People do."
It was probably the first time in a while she'd spoken about elves as though she were one of them, in any more than a basic, cursory sense. Almost certainly the first time she'd done so in front of anyone here. “But I can't do anything else. I'm shit at pretty much everything I try, except fighting. Sometimes it's the only thing that makes sense." Khari knew she wasn't stupid. She could read really well, and figures were pretty easy for her, and she played a mean game of chess. But when it came to actual skills, things you could build a life around, this was it for her. Sick as it might be, she felt more like herself when she fought than at basically any other time.
“If I can't make my mark with this, then I can't make it at all. And that's not... that's just not an option for me."
Rom swallowed, having set his own lunch down shortly after she started speaking. He'd been a bit relaxed before, a refreshing change of pace for how he had seemed lately, but now he slipped right back into that, frowning and appearing to struggle with something. "History probably won't care about what I think, but I'll always remember you." he said it quietly. "I suppose that doesn't really fix anything, though." He fell silent for a long moment, clearly thinking about something. He sat back, letting himself rest against the wall behind him and setting his hands somewhat tensely upon his thighs.
"Is that why you throw yourself at every challenge, then? No matter how big or how deadly?"
She shrugged. “I guess? I just feel like... if I'm gonna be good enough, I have to train with people who are better than good enough. Better than me. I can learn some tricks from almost anyone, but... I'm sure you've noticed I'm kind of small." Her smile was on the self-effacing side. It felt weird to wear it, but she did anyway. “Got some ground to make up, and all that."
The smile disappeared, and Khari shook her head. “And hey... you never know. Someday when they're writing all this shit down, they'll care what you thought. You're the Lord Inquisitor, after all. That's kind of a big deal." She'd honestly be really surprised if history didn't end up making a lot out of this whole Inquisition thing in general. “And even if it doesn't solve my problem... it's good to know. I like to think I get the 'being memorable' thing right on a personal level, at least." That time, her grin was genuine.
He smiled back a bit, but it was weak and faded quickly. "You know, despite everything that Nightmare did to us in the Fade... it was the fall from that bridge that got to me more. That was all I could think about after Estella got us out the other side. And you were there, bleeding from... dragon claws, and who knows what else." He tilted his head somewhat to the side, the memory troubling him.
"I've never really had to deal with attachments before, Khari. I could throw myself at whatever I was told to do, or whatever needed to be done here, and I never felt I needed to hold back. But it feels like it's getting more difficult." He took his eyes off the general vicinity of the garden and looked at her. "How many times have we thrown ourselves at the impossible now? We shouldn't have survived Corypheus at Haven, or a dozen times after it. I shouldn't have survived a fall into the Deep Roads, or physically walking the Fade. And you'll fight dragons and would-be gods without a second thought. I just..."
He grimaced, momentarily dropping his eyes, but he found hers again soon enough. "I don't want to lose you to any of this. And I don't want you to lose me. But I don't know what to do about it."
It wasn't an easy conundrum. Not for her, either. Khari raised a hand to the nape of her neck, slipping it under her thick curtain of hair and running callused fingers along the much softer skin there. Even she was still soft in some places, it seemed. “I dunno what to do myself." She pulled her mouth to the side, creases forming above her nose with the force of the tension in her brow. “The truth is, I've never really had that many attachments, either. I've had good reasons to avoid them, even." There was undeniably some part of her that still remembered what it was like, at least, to feel like she had a family. And maybe she knew a thing or two about having friends. But it fell far short of expertise. She'd never been as close to anyone as she was to some of the people here, Rom especially.
“When I saw the bridge collapse I thought..." She swallowed, moving her hand down to her upper arm on the other side and squeezing. It wasn't hard to sink back into that moment, really. It had been so vivid to her, like time had slowed down just to make sure every second of it was seared into her memory. A brand or stamp or something. She wasn't sure it was the kind of thing that would go away. “I don't know if I was thinking, for a minute there. But when I started again, the first thing I thought was I should have been there."
Khari tightened her grip on her arm through her sleeve, the faint pain of it grounding her in the present. Pain always did that, for her. If that was the reason battle appealed to her so much, she was even sicker than she thought. But it was a real possibility. “We're gonna fight stuff, both of us. And like it or not, one of us might—" She grit her teeth, a moment too long passing before she finished the thought. “One of us might die." That was just reality, as she'd been so forcefully reminded.
She turned slightly to meet his eyes. “But if it happens, I don't want to be somewhere else. I don't want to be thinking that I should have been there. And if this kills me, I don't care if it's a dragon or a Venatori or a demon or whatever. I wanna go because I was fighting with you. Does that... does that even make sense? I'm not sure it does." She huffed, dropping her hands back to her knees and shaking her head.
"It makes perfect sense," he said, sounding almost a little relieved. Maybe very relieved, if he was holding himself back like he often did. "I feel the same way." He paused for a moment, and then reached. Tentatively at first, but he seemed to make up his mind halfway through. He closed his fingers around the nearer of her hands. His own hand was warm. A little sweaty.
"I know I can't stop fighting. And I know I could never stop you from fighting with me. I don't want to. It's easier to fight when you're there." He exhaled slowly, seeming to force off some of the tension he was obviously feeling. "I want you to know that whatever challenge you end up taking, whether it's dragons, or becoming a chevalier, or getting the recognition I know you can earn... I'm with you." He smiled, a fragile thing that didn't find its way onto his face much. "As for the rest, we'll just... have to hope it goes our way."
Khari sighed, the sound turning almost into a laugh at the end, even if it was breathy and not at all as bombastic as it would have been ordinarily. “Yeah." She nodded. “Yeah, okay. And when you figure out just what you want out of life, make sure to tell me first. So I can be there for you, too." She squeezed his fingers just briefly. Her smile was much hardier than his, solid like it belonged on her face.
She figured it probably did.